Unleashed fan mail, vol. 1

“You need to write an entry about Rebecca Black”, a fan of this blog writes.

“Who’s that?”, I answer.

“OMG, this girl will make you cringe and poke out your eyes,” she replies.

Naturally, I’m curious. I wonder if Rebecca Black is like the UCLA girl who posted a racist anti-Asian vlog last week, so I look her up. Nope. She’s a “singer” (in quotes because I use that term VERY lightly.) I click on her video, Friday, and listen carefully to the first words:

“Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”

What? This is a joke, right?

Later, Rebecca Black educates us all with:

“Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after … wards”

Thanks, chicky.

To call her a “singer” is generous at best. Technically, because she has put words to a music-like sound, she is a singer, but really, I’m going to refer to Rebecca Black as a Bland, Irritating, Talentless, CHick (I’m sure there’s a more concise acronym in there somewhere) who used technology to (try to) mask her lack of any real ability. Despite her entirely auto-tuned vocals, the sound still sounds worse than amateurish. This warrants an invitation to be on Leno?

The response to this girl’s video is more shocking and unfortunate proof that there are too many people out there who will consume just about anything. Quality, creativity, intelligence, innovation – none required. At the same time, this song is one of the strongest arguments in favour of what I am working to promote through this blog. If we want to avoid exposure to this kind of garbage in the future, we have to work hard to raise the bar starting now – and we can’t let up. This is what happens when we do.

Thankfully, her YouTube video’s 38+ million views have garnered 10 times more thumbs down votes as it has thumbs up, but the fact that this song has made her over $25,000 in a week speaks volumes about the number of simpletons lurking in our midst. 

And the fact that Lady Gaga and Simon Cowell support her is more of a statement on their greed and how they value money over talent than an endorsement of the song – I hope. To Lady Gaga, who called Rebecca Black’s critics “full of shit”, I proudly say that I would rather be full of shit than consume this shit.  

To her credit though, she (or some advisor close to her) is a marketing genius. This chick definitely has people talking about her. I admit, I had a hearty laugh when I first listened to “Friday”, but that disappeared when I started to think about the song. Apparently, that’s the key to liking this crap – don’t dare think about it.

I’m sick to my stomach from the thought that this blog entry is somehow helping her. So I am going to stop now, with apologies to my readers who were blissfully ignorant of this girl until I brought her up. I was blissful too, until the fan mail. 🙂

One final, very important lesson to my beloved readers: Stay in school.

Copyright note: “Credit” for all lyrics goes to Rebecca Black alone. Don’t worry, kid, no one wants to steal this crap.



  1. In case you care – she will be donating the proceeds from her record sales to Japan Relief as well as her school.

    The sad part here is where that song came from. Her parents paid $2,000 for her to get a much fancier version of a La La Land video done (for those of you in the West Island during the 80’s you know what I am talking about).

    This company – http://arkmusicfactory.com/ – has been churning out “original,” craptastic music for minors for quite some time now.

    I’m concerned about how they are exploited teens and their families as well as how young the girls are.

    But that’s just me.

  2. If she actually donates all of the proceeds to Japan relief, then I cheer her loudly. Doesn’t make the song any more palatable though.

    If the lottery is a tax on the poor, this song is a tax on the tone deaf and the simple. If that “tax” can go to a good cause, all the better.

  3. Idea: you could have used her initials or otherwise not mentioned her full name to avoid giving her additional exposure. But it doesn’t really matter, flash interest is obviously brief and leaves nothing behind. Remember that guy from idol (“she bangs, she bangs”)? How fast was he gone? 🙂


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