It’s 1:23am. Given the workload I am currently carrying, the jobs that I am juggling, and the responsibilities that are coming, I should definitely be sleeping. I know this, yet I got out of bed because I feel this incredible necessity to commit my current thoughts to something more permanent than my unreliable memory.
I am going to be a father in mere days. How many days depends on her – not my wife, but the little girl inside who has no idea what is about to happen to her. <tear> Come to think of it, I have no idea what is about to happen either. In a very factual way, sure, but I am starting to come to terms with the reality that “a baby will be born”, while true, is probably not a complete analysis of the situation.
A few minutes ago, I lay down in bed next to my sleeping wife and put my hand on her belly like I do on most nights. Immediately, I was struck with the question “for how many more nights will I be able to do this?” Selfishly, this is a very comfortable situation for me – being able to experience my future child’s movements and growth over the months while living a normal life during the day and maintaining an adequate amount of sleep at night. I know that is all about to end, and I am excited beyond words. I feel better in my selfishness knowing (I am pretty sure) that my wife is comfortable and that this experience is inspiring for her too.
I am excited to meet her. I am excited to hold her, to comfort her, to teach her and to learn from her. I am excited that she will give me the opportunity to experience things that I have never been able to experience before. I am excited at the thought that this little girl will bring experiences into my life that I cannot even fathom as I write this. I am excited at the new job I am about to start – that of creative assistant – where my responsibilities will include moral and physical support and the stocking of her creative tool belt that she will use to paint her future.
The best feeling that I have had through my wife’s pregnancy, with her, is the ability to give up controlling the outcome of the situation. I am at peace with the prospect of not knowing when our baby will arrive. This is a busy time of year for me and we have both safely arrived at “whatever will be, will be, whenever it will be.” It is an understatement to say that relinquishing control is not something I have been doing well for most of my life.
Some parents live their entire lives closed to the possibility of learning anything from their children, pretending that such an assertion is an example of impossible, backwards logic. I disagree completely. I am committed that my actions will reflect the true possibility of openmindedness and of learning from everything around me, even this being that, as of today, does not even have an age. My soon-to-be little girl is already teaching me new things – in utero.
Thank you, sweetheart. Daddy loves you very much. <tears>